WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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