i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize