smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
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