Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
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I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
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I could run a drunk marathon in heels
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
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