I cockslap morals
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
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We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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