I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
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There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
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He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Oh god it's open bar.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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