My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
whose ass print is on the piano?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
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