After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
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Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.