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you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
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