Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
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When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
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I just forgot I was standing up.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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