It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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