I take back everything I said about communal showers
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize