I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
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it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
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He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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