i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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