I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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