He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
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Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
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Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
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