he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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