Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
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We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
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