i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
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Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
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It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
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