On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize