I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
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Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
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You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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