I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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