On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
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It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
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These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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