Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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