If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize