I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
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