I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Randomize