piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
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