i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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