i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
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he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
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I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
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