Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
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She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
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Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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