my mouth tastes like poor choices
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
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