You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
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You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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