I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
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His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
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That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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