hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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