I looked at my own cervix.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
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Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
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I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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