I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
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let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
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