After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
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Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
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I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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