Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
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