My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
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Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
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For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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