Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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