peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
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the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
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He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
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