he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
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He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
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Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize