I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
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I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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