you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
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We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
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Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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