Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
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I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
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Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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