I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
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This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
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She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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