She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
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He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
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I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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