please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
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You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
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I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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