I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
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Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
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Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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